Getting the best of me.

Life has been a living hell. I'm struggling to make it through my days. I was doing so good until Brian. Then I just went in a rapid down spiral. I actually deleted all my blogging except my most recent post because this got into the wrong hands. Sigh.

I worked today. Today was just a bad day. i was just in the mood to cry all day. It's probably a combination of stress overload and grief. At least I can attribute it to something, that's probably a good thing because I think everyone's goal is to not let me relive last spring.

I think life's just too much. Being an editor of a state ranked newspaper and an editor of a nationally ranked newspaper along with working 20+ hours a week, forensics tournaments, indoor tennis training, and everything else is just getting the best of me. I'm exhausted. But somehow, I refuse to let myself slow down, if anything, I'm picking more and more up. Getting home before 9 is a foreign concept to me. 9 or 10 is the usual these days.

Today during Trig, i couldn't pay attention if my life depended on it. So I started writing reflectively and I realized this. The past year has been the worst god dammned year of my life. I couldn't stay out of trouble no matter howwww hard I tried. And I am so scared.. SO SCARED to go back to who I was.

I miss you brian. I miss you so much.. that was not supposed to be you, it was supposed to be me. I love you buddy.